I saw Fifty Shades Freed in a theater by myself on a Tuesday night because I’m a grown lady, and I do what I want. It was immensely entertaining and easily worth whatever portion of my $10/month movie subscription it gets. It is a brilliantly incoherent movie made up of random bits of schizophrenic movie interspersed between sex scenes.
The movie opens with Christian and Ana’s wedding. It’s pretty short, unlike in Breaking Dawn, because we want to get right to the hanky panky. In fact, they actually leave their own wedding when Christian whispers to her while they are dancing, “Let’s get out of here. I’m tired of sharing you with the riff raff.” And they just peace, whereupon we are treated to the first Red Flag of the movie. Wthey get to their private jet, Ana asks, “Wait, is this yours?” So I guess that particular asset hadn’t come up before the nuptials.
During their honeymoon is that Christian “won’t let” Ana take her top off at a topless beach (Red Flag #2) which is controlling in the most basic way. It’s all very yawn until Ana protests with, “It’s boobs in boobland!” This profoundly stupid line is very charmingly delivered by Dakota Johnson, and I am smitten. She does take her top off at some point, I forget. After this follows an inevitable disciplinary
When they return, Ana goes to work and finds that, while she’s been away, she has been promoted, and her office has been redecorated, I guess, as a part of the promotion? I find this so confusing that I keep thinking it will turn into a plot point, but it doesn’t. It just happens.
Before she can even settle into her new office, Christian storms in, outraged that an email he wrote to her with her new last name bounced (Red Flag #3). Listen, she was busy landing a promotion! She doesn’t have time to set up a request with IT to change her email address! I can only assume this leads to sex, but I’ve totally forgotten.
At some point, Christian shows Ana a house that he just bought “for them” without consulting her (Red Flag #4). I expected them to have angry sex about it, but instead, she’s thrilled with this turn of events. What does anger Ana is the fact that the architect who’s working on the house is putting the moves on Christian. She makes fun of her for having a brown car, because, you know, that’s the color of poop. This impresses Christian so much that he “allows” Ana to drive his car, right into a car chase. After they escape their chaser, they pull into some random public parking lot and have sex.
Which reminds me — the action movie part of Fifty Shades! Turns out Ana’s ex-boss is super pissed at her and Christian and is trying to… kill them? Blackmail them? It’s unclear.
Christian needs to go on a work trip and asks Ana to come with, but she’s VP of Having a Redecorated Office now, so she can’t. He tells her she must go straight home after work like it’s some kind of cautionary fable about stranger danger (Red Flag #5). When she inevitably breaks this rule, she gets immediately tattled on by her personal security guard. Oh yeah, she has one of those, now, and a backup. Good thing, too, because once she does get home, pissed ex-boss is there and threatens to kill her, completely slipping by security guard #1. Security guard #2 steps in, and ex-boss gets arrested.
I feel like Christian comes home somehow during all of this. At some point, he takes a shower, and Ana joins him and tries to start up some shower sex, and he wanders away. This is the biggest plot twist in the whole movie.
Sometime after this, there is a disturbing orgasm denial scene (Red Flag #I’ve Lost Count). The only good part about this scene is that we discover that Christian’s sex pants have made it to this last part of the trilogy. He has a specific pair of jeans he wears just for sex.
They go to Aspen to go spend time in their spare mansion, I guess? I don’t care, because it’ a setup for the best scene in the movie, which I will transcribe here with as high fidelity as possible. Anastasia is eating ice cream in the kitchen in the middle of the night, as you do. Christian wanders out and rummages around in the fridge. When he turns around and sees Ana, he says, “There you are; I was looking for you.” In the refrigerator, I guess? They have sex, which is actually a sweet scene, except for the brief moment when I was terrified that Christian would place a spoonful of ice cream into Ana’s vagina. Thankfully, he swerves for her thigh instead.
Anyway, Anastasia finds out she’s pregnant. Christian reacts in the most abominable way ever (Red Flag Aaahhh). It’s all very problematic and not fun.
Ana gets a call from her evil ex-boss that he’s kidnapped Christian’s sister, and he needs $5 million in cash. So Ana goes home to change into her ransom outfit and grab the fanciest leather ransom duffle bags, and then withdraws a cool $5 mill from their bank account. Their banker calls Christian, but that’s the single security check. Christian’s poor sister, Rita Ora, is tied to a chair, when Ana arrives with the duffle bags of money. Ana shoots evil ex-boss in the leg, and Christian comes to… take credit for saving the day even though Ana’s the stone cold shooter now? The best part of this scene is that, when Ana and Christian’s relationship flashes before her eyes, a good third of it is a scene of Christian working out.
They make up and are now excited to have the baby. Nobody discusses abortion. In like 5 minutes, they tie up the evil ex-boss plot point and also try to discuss privilege. The movie literally ends with a sex scene and Christian, in his sex pants, saying, “You’re topping from the bottom… but I’m okay with it.”